SNIPETOWN

The SoBro Boxers

The SoBro Boxers

South Bronx, The Bronx

In the early 2000s, the gritty streets and derelict warehouses of the South Bronx played host to the dark, mysterious world of male model street fighting. Fueled by a high-octane combination of cocaine, testosterone and pomade, these underground fight clubs had only two rules: Never tell anyone about male model fight club, and no hitting above the neck.

But by 2009, the excitement had worn thin. So club founder Johannes Hansel came up with an even more extreme activity for his fellow male models: street hockey. 

Since then, a ticket to a SoBro Boxers match has grown into one of the city’s most exclusive invitations. In spite of the rink’s secret South Bronx location and late night schedule, celebrities are a common sight at the games; Sean Penn, Spike Lee, Sarah Jessica Parker and Tony Stark are all regulars at Boxers matches, and President Obama is believed to schedule his trips to New York based upon whether the team reaches the playoffs. 

The team is noted for their tendencies towards extreme violence (believed to be caused by the combination of illegal Canadian amphetamine creams and a 1,400 calorie/day diet), their tendency to strip down to their bare chests during fights, and their large, extremely protective helmets, adopted after founder Hansel received his trademark broken nose from a puck to the face.

Since the team’s creation, several founding members have since picked up lucrative modeling contracts; as a result, the Boxers are considering relocating to Tribeca. However, the plans are currently awaiting the approval of the neighborhood’s newly installed ruler, Baroness Taylor of House Swift.